The Blondie Alteration
by Lisatronic3000
Summary: As recompense for missing Amy's great-aunt Flora's 93rd birthday party, Sheldon reluctantly agrees to attend her second cousin's graduation party. Their evening takes a bizarre turn after Sheldon suspects his brilliant mind has been poisoned by an innocent looking dessert. Who knew an old family recipe could wreak such havoc? ONE SHOT FIC, S/A pairing, set after season 5.


**The Blondie Alteration **

**_Warning: Alcohol and illegal drug use is implied_**

**_Disclaimers: "The Big Bang Theory" and its characters were created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. I do not to own, nor do I profit from TBBT or its characters. I also do not own the various other games, movies or TV shows I may reference. This is meant for entertainment purposes only. _**

* * *

"I want to leave Amy." Sheldon whispered with a note of alarm into his girlfriend's ear.

As recompense for missing her great-aunt Flora's 93rd birthday party, to spend the weekend gaming with the guys, Sheldon had reluctantly agreed to attend his girlfriend's second cousin's college graduation party. He assumed his patented Cooper coupons had been enough to appease her.

Apparently, that had not been the case.

The theoretical physicist glared with condemnation across the crowded front lawn. Almost every square foot was littered with the pierced and tattooed dregs from this so-called "college". Sheldon moved closer to Amy as he witnessed a particular group of young scallywags. They were practically inhaling copious amounts of alcohol while thrashing in time to one indistinguishable rock song after another. His own stomach lurched as he watched one of the lost boys turn deathly pale and run into the house, pushing others out the way.

Sheldon was also ready to run—very fast and very far in the opposite direction.

"I really, really want to leave Amy." Sheldon whispered again with insistence.

"Sheldon, we have to stay for a least a few more minutes. As soon as we find Rachel, I will give her my gift and then we can leave." She whispered back to reassure him.

In actuality, Amy was rather uncomfortable herself; the crowd was indeed rowdy and appeared to be behaving in an utterly debauched manner. In hindsight, she wondered if she should have invited Penny as well. The blonde minx was well versed in social situations like this one. In addition, her best friend came equipped with the added bonus of pepper spray.

Amy's apprehension eased when she felt Sheldon's slim hand slip into hers.

"Promise?" He entreated, his large blue eyes looking down at her for confirmation. She hadn't mentioned to Sheldon that by instigating the contact, he was in violation of the relationship agreement. Amy was ecstatic that ever since Howard's launch, he was slowly becoming accustomed, albeit rarely, to the sweet and simple act of holding hands outside of their scheduled flu shots. Granted, it was only when he was highly distressed. But she'd figured if Sheldon could walk through one metaphorical door on his own, then surely in time he would willingly walk through all of them.

Offering him a small smile, she squeezed his fingers, "I promise."

Sheldon mirrored her hint of a smile before acquiescing with a nod, "Very well Amy. So where in this unwashed mass of hormones and future drunk driving arrests is this second cousin of yours?" He asked loudly, oblivious to the fact that several partygoers had overheard him and were now glaring.

Turning to face the crowd again, Sheldon immediately took notice of a dubious looking couple, dressed in head to toe black. The pair appeared to be suctioned at the mouth, shamelessly fondling each other on a broken lawn chair. Normally, Sheldon was indifferent to such a display. In the past he would have compared it to watching a documentary on the wild beasts of the Serengeti. Lord knows that how it sounded whenever Leonard and Penny engaged in unnecessarily loud coitus in the middle of night.

However, as he continued to watch the brazen physical contact before him, he became progressively more agitated. The hand that held Amy's unconsciously tightened, "Savages." Homo Novus muttered disapprovingly.

Turning to the couple he was observing, Amy tugged at his hand, "Come now Dr. Cooper, they are just making out." She then shot her boyfriend a smirk. "If you had added a Cooper coupon for that, we could be playing counterfactuals over a chilled bottle of Yoohoo right now. "

At that playful remark Sheldon let go of her hand and nervously pretended to adjust the strap of his messenger bag, "But they are in public Amy. We might as well be at the zoo watching the chimpanzees delouse each other." He groused in an effort to negate his girlfriend's not-so-subtle teasing.

Sheldon continued to chastise the heathens under his breath as Amy's eyes scanned the front lawn, "I still don't see ..." she broke off, her green eyes widening as they fell again on the couple who were feverishly kissing with no regard for the throngs of people around them.

Adjusting her eyeglasses, Amy charged forward, weaving her way through the drunken frat boys and giggling sorority girls. Not wanting to be left alone within the horde of troglodytes, Sheldon balled his hands to his chest and quickly tailed Amy through the crowd.

"Rachel? Is that you?" Amy asked the young woman who had her lips latched onto a long-haired male who was wearing more eye make-up than she was. The female didn't respond, but Amy was not to be ignored, "Rachel Jacqueline Fowler, I am addressing you. If you are not too busy swabbing this young man's throat for streptococcus with your tongue, please detangle yourself and greet your second cousin. "

The couple finally broke apart as Sheldon appeared behind Amy, "If I am infected with some type of virus due to overexposure to this riff-raff, then I demand a lengthy and thorough visit from Chief Medical Officer Fowler." He grumbled, "Complete with creamy tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich." He added innocently.

Sheldon had unknowingly made Amy's heart flutter in response to his mandate. She internally noted how such a request was a sign that her boyfriend, on his own, had begun to expect her presence as part of his convalescence process outside of the paternal expectations he had placed on Penny and Leonard.

In spite of this exciting development, she kept her face passive, "As you wish Sheldon."

The petite woman with bobbed purple hair, donning a spiked leather choker looked up at Amy. After taking a moment to process the visitor, she eagerly leapt off her companion's lap and threw herself at Amy, embracing her tightly, "Mimi! I was super pissed when I missed Flora's birthday party because of my stupid ass finals. But I'm so freaking happy to see you now! "

"Mimi?" Sheldon squinted with confusion.

Amy awkwardly returned the hug, patting the smaller woman's back lightly. "It's good to see you as well."

Pulling away, Amy turned to her boyfriend to explain the odd childhood nickname. "Yes, Mimi. When Rachel was very little she had a difficult time pronouncing my name. Attempts would often come out sounding like Mimi. Over the years it simply … stuck. Rachel is the only one who calls me by that name."

Facing her relative again Amy shook her finger, "Although I wish you would stop. It was fine when you wore diapers, but not with a newly acquired Master's degree."

_Mimi? _Sheldon tried it out mentally. _Mimi Farrah Fowler. _The physicist quickly dismissed the alternate name. _No, I prefer Amy._ _I like Amy. _

Amy then reached into her jacket pocket and handed the graduate a small pink envelope, "Congratulations Rachel."

"Rebel," The smaller woman corrected, "I go by Rebel now."

After exchanging a confused glance with her boyfriend, Amy cleared her throat, "Is that a legal name change? I put Rachel on the check."

"Check?" Rachel parroted with a surprised stare. Sheldon noticed the young woman had the same bright emerald eyes of his vixen or as he had dubbed them internally—the green lanterns. But Rachel's eyes were coated with heavy black eyeliner that made her look like a raccoon.

Excitingly, the younger Fowler opened the envelope and read the card aloud, "Dear Rachel, I wish you much success in your future endeavors. Thank you for inviting me to your graduation party." She beamed at Amy before continuing, "I honestly thought you would never get this far. You weren't always the sharpest knife in the drawer. Enclosed please find a check for three hundred dollars to use as you see fit, with the exception of purchasing illegal drugs. Respectfully, Amy Farrah Fowler."

Straining a gracious smile, Rachel folded the card with the check and stuffed them into the back pocket of her tight black jeans. "Thanks … that was … really sweet of you."

"Indeed, a sweet and eloquent message." Sheldon added matter-of-factly.

Rachel moved her attention to the tall pale stranger with an interested tilt of her head, "Mimi, is this the famous boyfriend I keep hearing about? Sherman?"

Sheldon frowned wordlessly as his eyebrows knitted together.

"Sheldon," Amy corrected quickly, "And yes he is my boyfriend. The best boyfriend I might add." She grinned, reaching up and patting him gently on the Batman logo he brandished across his chest.

Sheldon's features quickly flashed with trepidation at the unexpected contact, but his pride contradicted his misgivings as his insides warmed at the comment. He found it strange that although she was stating the obvious; his involuntary physical response was to blush.

Rachel eyed Sheldon as if sizing him up. "Cute, but that jacket should be burned. Bonus points for the vintage Batman tee." After a moment she smirked with approval, "Play on playa."

Sheldon gave his girlfriend's relative a curt nod, "Hello Rachel Jacqueline Fowler. Not to belabor the point, but congratulations again on your recent minor academic achievement and best of luck to you in the wake of this precarious economic climate."

Amy grinned broadly; her boyfriend could certainly be the dashing Prince Charming when he applied himself. Not that she was the least bit surprised, he excelled at everything. "I know better than anyone the allure of Sheldon's animal magnetism, but don't go getting any ideas, this tall drink of water is all mine." She warned the younger Fowler with a serious look.

Rachel's eyes fluttered a bit like Penny's when she was confused before smiling with amusement, "Aw, Mimi and Sherman! The Shermi!"

Sheldon's eye ticked with annoyance, but before he could condemn the childish pairing of the incorrect names, his girlfriend spoke up, "And I assume this … person is your boyfriend?" Amy asked gesturing towards the wannabe vampire still reclined on the broken lawn chair.

Rachel blasted out a hard laugh, which to Amy sounded rather strained, "Him? No, we're just friends … with benefits."

Nodding with understanding, Sheldon leaned in towards Amy's ear. "I know what you're thinking, but that does not mean he provides her with health insurance."

"Thanks to Leonard, I already know what it means." Amy responded coolly.

"And just what do you mean by that Amy Farrah Fowler?" Sheldon asked with more force than intended, unprepared for the emotion her remark triggered in him.

Unfazed, Amy shrugged, "I simply meant that it was beneficial to both of us when Leonard was kind enough to escort me to that wedding you refused to go to." She explained straightforwardly before giving her sexy praying mantis a sideways glance. "Leonard is a nice guy, but he doesn't get my kitty purring if that's what you were worried about."

Swallowing hard, Sheldon croaked, "Worried? I was far from worried. Honestly Amy …"

"Jaws" The thing on the lawn chair interrupted with hooded blood-shot eyes, "Jaws is my name and chomping on fine ass is my game."

Sheldon raised an unimpressed eyebrow at the smarmy looking creature, "Interesting, you have christened yourself with the name of an infamous fictional shark, but it appears you haven't been acquainted with water for quite some time."

Jaws stared up at Sheldon with his mouth open, "Dude, are you like from the future? You totally talk like you're from the future. Are you like a time traveler?"

Rolling her eyes, Rachel affectionately grabbed Amy's hand and led her towards the front porch. "Ignore Jaws. He is a lot more interesting when he's not high. But when he is lifted, he's good for a pounding but not much else." She sighed.

Smiling vacantly, Jaws was too distracted by the night sky to disagree.

Sheldon cocked his head inquisitively, "Pounding? What does he pound? Dough? Is he a baker? He looks rather unhygienic to be a baker."

"No, he's just baked." Rachel sneered before stopping short of the front door, giving Amy an exaggerated pout, "Uh oh, sounds like someone still hasn't had her back blown out yet."

The pair of doctors swapped perplexed glances once again, neither one grasping Rachel's curious slang.

Amy allowed Rachel to continue to lead her as Sheldon followed the two women into the dim house. "Where are you taking us? We really should be going." The older Fowler insisted, noticing her boyfriend's increased uneasiness. Sheldon folded his arms around himself, there was an acrid scent wafting through the air. It was strangely dung-like; it reminded Sheldon of when he and Amy would visit the elephants at the zoo.

Arriving at the tiny dated kitchen, Rachel let go of Amy's hand and pointed to the refrigerator. "I'm doing my hostess with the mostess thing. Can I interest you guys with something wet and toxic? It's guaranteed to peel away the lining of your stomach!" She chimed while reaching for a red plastic cup. "We can pop a squat somewhere and talk. I was getting a little bored with Jaws anyhow. We could have been something once, he's a real sweetheart. But I squashed it when I caught on that I was sharing him with Mary Jane. Dude is hung like a horse, but when he's stoned he can be dumb as a stump. "

That last quip Amy understood, "As nice as it is to see you. Please spare us the details of your sexual dalliances." She requested flatly, sensing Sheldon's mounting discomfort as he eyeballed the sink full of dirty dishes.

"I don't drink." Sheldon added quickly as he wrinkled his nose in an attempt to will his nostrils to block out the mysterious odor, "And as Amy mentioned before, we need to leave now."

"Besides I'm driving." Amy stated before presenting a polite smile, "But thank you for the offer, however we really must be …"

"Blondie? I baked them myself. It's great-aunt Flora's recipe." Rachel offered sweetly as she removed the lid off of a plastic Tupperware bin, revealing the sweet golden squares.

Amy couldn't help but smile down into the bin; she adored her great-aunt Flora's blondies. They were wonderfully chewy, rich and when made right, were an indulgent treat that was hard to resist. "Thank you Rach … _er_ … Rebel, but no. I promised Sheldon that we would leave after I gave you … "

It was then that Amy's eyes widened while her body tensed with surprise at the unexpected sensation of Sheldon pressing up against her back in an effort to glimpse over her shoulder and into the bin of treats. Licking his lips at the enticing dessert Sheldon shrugged, "Well, we wouldn't want to be rude Amy. They are your great-aunt Flora's recipe after all."

Amy quickly remembered how Sheldon could have quite the prominent sweet tooth. There was the Kool-Aid, Red Vines, Strawberry Quik, Yoohoo, Jell-O and countless other sugary vices. It was a wonder he hadn't developed type 2 diabetes yet.

He then gave his girlfriend a sheepish tilt of the head, "Perhaps one for the road?"

Trying her best not to stare at his plump glistening bottom lip hovering above her shoulder, Amy looked away. "Alright," she relented, swallowing down a sigh and reaching into the bin. She plucked out the neatest looking one for her boyfriend and a smaller square for herself.

Sheldon's eyes went round with delight after the first bite, "These are scrumptious!" He exclaimed through a happy chew. Eagerly enjoying his treat, Sheldon nodded his thanks to the purple haired graduate before turning back to his girlfriend, "I want to leave now Amy." He announced before taking another hearty bite of his blondie.

Rachel took a square for herself, "I tweaked Flora's recipe. Try it Mimi, I want to know what you think."

After wolfing down the remainder of the square, Sheldon unveiled a handkerchief from his back pocket. "You know, despite her appearance as a fiendish denizen of the night and her baffling idioms, your second cousin isn't as horrid as I originally assumed Amy." He said while wiping his mouth, "But I am still ready to leave. There is a pungent odor beginning to invade my nasal passages."

"Just one moment Sheldon," Amy said as her eyebrows narrowed down at her relative suspiciously, "How exactly did you tweak Flora's recipe?" She asked while pulling the soft treat in half, cautiously sniffing it.

Sheldon huffed as he walked to the small kitchen window which faced the backyard, he grimaced at the spectacle. "It's like a Roman orgy, only with kegs." He muttered. There were more inebriated graduates scattered behind the house, laughing, dancing and participating in unsanitary public displays of affection.

However, there was one sight above all that Sheldon found most disconcerting. His stomach tightened as the item in question triggered a distinct memory to crash over him.

"Why do you have an inflatable castle?" Sheldon inquired disdainfully. The two women seemed unable to hear him as they continued their conversation.

"I just added a little something special to the batch." Rachel said with a twitter.

Amy grew visibly perturbed,"That recipe has been in our family for generations, to tamper with it is to tamper with a Fowler tradition."

Annoyed, Sheldon decided he would give the hens exactly five minutes more to cackle as he made his way to the backyard to investigate the medieval themed moon bounce. The bright yellow castle took up most of the backyard; there was nothing remarkable about it. It was similar to the inflatable structures he often saw in Texas during the various church festivals he was forced to attend as a child.

Sheldon crossed his arms as he recalled with perfect clarity how his mother insisted on dragging her three kids to her church's annual "Christian Carnival" just outside Galveston to celebrate his older brother's 12th birthday.

It was a typical modest church event; there was the "Dunk the Devil" stand where Reverend Jones would dress up in red long underwear complete with fake horns, challenging passersby to vanquish him into the holy water. "Three tries for only a dollar!" The older man would bellow. "Send me back to the depths of hell where I belong!"

George Jr. got him on the first throw much to the amusement of the congregation. Gurgling and sloshing, the Reverend popped out the tank, "That boy's been blessed by the Lord with a cannon for an arm!"

There was also the "Kissing for Christ" booth. For yet another hard earned dollar, boys got a chaste peck from Mrs. Jones, the Reverend's handsome and regal looking wife. In later years, Missy would take over the kissing booth. Never in the church's history had the line for any booth been so long, it stretched clear across the field. Reverend Jones noticed the stand's sudden popularity and raised the price to five dollars a kiss. Mary Cooper was both proud and worried at that achievement.

Then there was the bouncy castle, with a large hand-painted banner above it that read, "Kiddie Kingdom of Heaven". His siblings loved that blasted death trap. They would jump and squeal, with no thought as to how many other children had been trounced in the past, injuring themselves.

But Sheldon remembered and knew better. He always knew better.

Since it was his brother's birthday, George Jr. had been allowed to invite a few of his mouth breather friends from school. It was the usual gang of Neanderthals that would torment Sheldon throughout his young life.

Uninterested in the offered games of chance, the kissing booth or the castle, Sheldon occupied himself with cotton candy, caramel popcorn, candy apples and more cotton candy. His tummy was producing a strange rumbling sound when his brother's friends appeared for their customary bullying.

"Look guys, it's Smelly Pooper!" One ginger haired boy covered in freckles squeaked. Clearly, his vocal chords were being assaulted by puberty.

"Hey nerd, wanna fly like Superman?" A heavyset boy with mustard stains on t-shirt taunted.

"Leave him alone!" Missy shouted from the bouncy castle in-between jumps.

Sheldon remembered looking around for his mother but he couldn't see her anywhere, "Mommy?"

"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy." The freckled one croaked back mockingly.

Behind him he heard his brother's voice, "Grab him!" Sheldon may have inherited their Daddy's temper, but George Jr. had inherited George Sr.'s sadistic sense of humor.

The next thing little Sheldon knew, he was being manhandled by the pint-size ruffians. They swept him up like a rag doll, swinging him by his arms and legs into the bouncy castle. Sheldon rolled onto his stomach and tried to get his footing, but every time he attempted to stand, one of the older boys would jump hard, causing him to topple.

Missy tried to intervene at the sight of her green-faced twin, "Stop it you jerks!"

On his hands and knees, Sheldon started to crawl out. The violent ripples from their relentless bouncing were making Sheldon increasingly nauseated.

Missy was pushed back by her older brother, "Shut up or I'll tell Dad how you let Bobby McCurdy see your panties! You'll get a whoopin' for sure!" Sheldon's sister quickly clammed up, looking down at him with wide apologetic eyes.

Sheldon wanted to scream, but instead he froze as his whole body tensed in a concentrated effort not to vomit. Everything was whirling around him as he fought with everything he had against the bile rising in his throat. His pride refused to give those thugs the satisfaction.

But unfortunately for Sheldon, his gag reflex did not share his conviction.

"You look like you're gonna heave, Bro." A sudden dopey voice dragged Sheldon back from that sunny day in Texas. Blinking out of his memory, he was unnerved to see the bloodshot eyes of Rachel's tonsil hockey partner staring at him.

Something then caught Jaws's attention as his face spread into a lopsided grin. "Dude, your old lady is heated." He said with a chuckle.

"Heated?" Sheldon repeated, turning to see what the parasite was staring at.

Gazing into the kitchen window he observed Amy—a noticeably troubled Amy. Sheldon figured his girlfriend had passed her mediocrity tolerance threshold as well. He noted the time, it was well passed the five minute mark and he was in no mood to humor Rachel's stringy-haired companion.

Walking back towards the house he overheard the distinct voice of his vixen. Sheldon believed he had gotten the hang of distinguishing one pesky female emotion from another but as he stalled to listen, he heard Amy use a tone he had trouble pinpointing. Was it disappointment, frustration or both? Sheldon was still unable to differentiate between the two, they sounded so similar.

He pouted slightly; all he knew for certain was that his girlfriend was upset.

As apathetic as Sheldon was in response to most human emotion, he had discovered that he did not like it when Amy was upset. This newly discovered phenomenon made Sheldon uneasy; he internally shivered at the idea that he could be developing a sense of empathy after years of perfecting a life built of emotionless logic.

He didn't understand how or why Amy's feelings were beginning to influence him. Sheldon Cooper was supposed to be above the influence—of everything.

Sheldon continued to listen as Amy scolded her. "You have corrupted great-aunt Flora's recipe! She would be heart-broken if she knew what you did Rachel."

Unaffected by her second cousin's chastising, Rachel scoffed, "For the last time, it's Rebel! And what are you, the police? Calm your tits and get over it. Everyone loves them, including your uptight boyfriend."

Back outside watching and listening with Sheldon, Jaws moved up beside him, chewing with his mouth open. "I don't get why your chick is so upset. These things are the freaking bomb!"

Exasperated with the low-life, Sheldon bristled, "Pardon me, but she is not a _chick_—she is Amy Farrah Fowler and if she is upset with your mistress of the dark, then it is more than likely she has a legitimate reason …" His voice trailed off as he noticed the other people around him. Some seemed unnaturally tranquil; a few even looked blissfully dazed.

Sheldon quickly turned back as Jaws, who was oddly and completely captivated by his blondie.

"Oh boy …" Sheldon squeaked as a sense of dread began to swell in his chest. Taking a deep breath, he was suddenly aware of how strange his limbs felt, as if he was filled with helium and could float away at any moment.

Flustered, Sheldon addressed two female partygoers with a snap of his fingers, "You there, Jezebel and Salomé, what did Rebel put in the blondies? I demand an answer!"

Sharing what Sheldon assumed was a cigarette, the young women with silver spikes poking through their eyebrows and noses said nothing in response. Instead the one who resembled Harley Quinn exhaled several impressive smoke rings before giving him her tattooed back.

Sheldon nervously ran his fingers over his mouth, "Oh God, my lips are numb. I can't feel my lips!" Turning to Jaws, Sheldon's eyes were practically bulging, "Am I going to die?"

Jaws looked mystified before another idiotic smile appeared on his face, "We're all gonna die someday Bro. That's why we gotta kick life in the teeth before it kicks ours in. Ya know, be fearless."

"Fearless?!" Sheldon repeated as his panic grew by the second, "Amy, I need Amy." He choked out as he felt his mouth and throat go dry, "I've been poisoned." He continued to lament dramatically as he ran his hands through his hair, "My beautiful, brilliant mind has been tainted! "

Concerned for the stick insect man from the future, Jaws placed a friendly hand on Sheldon's back, "Dude, you are freaking out … try to chill …"

Squirming away from the contact with a yelp, Sheldon removed his canvas bag from over his shoulders and let it drop to the floor as if it were made of lead. He then frantically peeled off his beige windbreaker as he continued to whimper, "Oh God … I can feel my IQ dropping … oh God … I don't want to be average … I can feel the unnatural urge to dance like a patchouli scented bohemian creeping into my blood!"

Absent-mindedly grinning again, Jaws stuffed the rest of his blondie into his face. "Hey man, I'm not average," he mumbled, wiping the crumbs off his chest. "I just got my Master's in engineering."

Sheldon's mouth fell open to yell for Amy, but instead he chuckled. The sudden chuckling grew into loud, inane giggles. He balled the material of his Batman shirt at the hem as both the absurdity and the hilarity consumed him, "Oh dear Lord. You mean … you mean to tell me that I am high as a Patang fighting kite with … with … a lowly Oompa Loompa of science?"

"DUUUUUUUUDDDDDEEEEEE … I love that movie!" Jaws proclaimed, "But I liked the older one better. I think Gene Wilder was the better Wonka."

Sheldon mirrored the friendly miscreant's goofy smile, "ME TOO!"

The physicist inexplicitly felt an odd connection with the unfocused young man, "Jaws, what are your candid feelings about Zachary Quinto as Mr. Spock?"

Jaws's face narrowed into a serious scowl, "Zachary Quinto can blow me." He then raised his right hand, fingers splayed in the famed Vulcan gesture, "Nimoy is Spock."

Beaming, Sheldon practically jumped on the shorter man to awkwardly embrace him. "Heavens to Betsy, there is hope for you after all!"

Hugging him back tightly, Jaws laughed dizzily, "I don't get it. Are we still dying?"

* * *

Back in the kitchen Rachel pushed the bin directly under Amy's nose, "Just try one please. I think you'll flip when you taste them. I didn't get my degree in culinary arts for nothin'."

"Not until you agree to stop calling it great-aunt Flora's recipe." Amy maintained, "When you decided to swap out her special ingredient of crushed pistachios with slivered almonds and omitted the butterscotch chips entirely, you forfeited that right. Agreed?"

The purple-haired Fowler shrugged, "Fine, whatever. Just try one and tell me what you think, please?"

Sighing, Amy conceded and bit into a fresh blondie. Rachel watched her nervously as Amy chewed, her eyes blinking with thought. She was assessing the baked good carefully—it's density, the balance of ingredients and the overall presentation on the palate. Swallowing, Amy licked her lips before she spoke, "Rachel Jacqueline Fowler, I must inform you that these blondies are not equal to Flora's." She said robotically.

As a crestfallen pout appeared on Rachel's face, a sneaky smirk bloomed on Amy's. She then reached over to pat the younger woman's hand, "They are better. In fact, there are truly delectable."

Rachel's green eyes lit up, "For realz Mimi?"

Smiling, Amy took another bite, "For realz, but I don't want to remind you again how you are perfectly capable of pronouncing my name now."

"But I don't want to call you Amy. You're my Mimi, no matter how old I get." Rachel confessed with genuine tenderness, despite her hard core exterior. "And I never listened to great-uncle Enoch when he said you were going to die alone with a collection of Mason jars and animal skeletons as your legacy."

"May the old goat rest in peace," Amy muttered sarcastically.

After a few minutes spent reminiscing over the days of when babysitter Amy would calm a rambunctious little Rachel by reading Alexandre Dumas's "The Count of Monte Cristo" aloud, the neurobiologist glanced at her watch. Her eyes widened, "Golly, we should really go now. I will probably get an ear full from Sheldon about the assortment of hazardous microorganisms he was exposed to in the car. "

"About that—so when's the date?" Rachel asked as she pulled out a roll of aluminum foil from a nearby cabinet.

"Date? What do you mean?" Amy asked, sneaking a corner off of another blondie.

Rachel placed a few blondies on a sheet of aluminum foil, including the one Amy picked at, "Cleary you two are perfect together—even Jaws could see that through his purple haze."

After carefully folding the foil, she handed it to Amy with smirk, "I am so going to be a bridesmaid at your wedding Mimi."

Cautiously looking around the kitchen to determine that Sheldon was not within earshot, Amy returned her smirk. "Not with that hair you're not." She retorted while stuffing the to-go blondies into her purse. "And it's a bit premature to start talking marriage. He … we are taking things slow. "

"Slow? But you're in love with him. I can tell Mimi." Rachel smiled, "And I think he is in love with you."

Rachel noticed the subtle change in Amy's face, her bright eyes dimmed with what the younger Fowler read as uncertainty. To Amy's surprise, Rachel leaned against the counter and pulled off purple-colored wig, revealing short brown pixie-like hair.

Closing her eyes to remember, Rachel recited her favorite line from Amy's choice of bedtime story, "Youth is a blossom whose fruit is love; happy is he who plucks it after watching it slowly ripen."

Tossing the wig onto the counter with a sigh, Rachel's smile widened. "You know, you taught me perseverance with that book Mimi. Now don't go forgetting your own lesson. You and Sherman are just a couple of late bloomers, that's all."

Amy didn't bother to correct her wild but loving second cousin. Instead she nodded wordlessly with a weak smile as she pushed down a of lump in emotion in her throat.

As if queued, the crowd in the backyard burst into loud cheers and claps. Amy and Rachel wore twin expressions of confusion as they made their way outside to see Sheldon and Jaws dominating the bouncy castle with high synchronized jumps.

"See, I told you that you could do it Bro!" Jaws gasped out, "Let's keep singing to keep the rhythm going!"

Bounding higher, Sheldon hollered, "_Red light, yellow light, green-a-light go! Crazy little woman in a one man show! Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love … sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up_ …"

Sheldon reached out his hand to Jaws who slapped it, tagging in and taking over the song, "_You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little, tease a little more. Easy operator come a knockin' on my door. Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet! Little miss innocent sugar me_!"

Amy gaped with her mouth open as she maneuvered through the cheering crowd. The unlikely pair began bouncing around each other as they sang the chorus, "_Take a bottle, shake it up! Break the bubble, break it up! Pour some sugar on me! Ooh, in the name of love! Pour some sugar on me! C'mon fire me up! Pour your sugar on me! Oh, I can't get enough_!"

The whole party went wild with applause; apparently they all found this highly entertaining which perplexed Amy. Actually the entire situation was perplexing. Her mysophobic boyfriend was hopping on a giant inflatable castle like Ricky with a fresh pack of menthols, "Sheldon? "

"Amy, look! I'm doing it! I'm doing it!" He grinned wildly, bringing his knees to his chest with each leap.

"Hell yeah …" Jaws yelled as he jumped off, landing on grass, "… my boy here is making this moon bounce his bitch!" He panted.

That only seemed to make Sheldon happier as he started singing again, waving his arms, "_I'm hot, sticky sweet … from my head to my feet_!"

Wondering if Sheldon had missed another hair cut, Amy tried to understand what was happening, "Sheldon, I thought you wanted to leave?"

Sheldon bounced towards his girlfriend, "Be my queen Amy! We can rule this kingdom together!" He offered breathlessly.

Without missing a beat Rachel began to chant out loud, "King and Queen! King and Queen! King and Queen!" It wasn't long before the entire backyard began to shout in unison, "KING AND QUEEN! KING AND QUEEN! KING AND QUEEN!"

Amy could feel the eyes of everyone at the party falling on her, "This is peer pressure my mother warned me about." She muttered under her breath.

Still in her jacket, with her purse hanging across her body, Amy glanced back at Rachel who stomping her feet and cheering louder than anyone else, "Get up there Mimi!"

"Yeah Mimi, get up here!" Sheldon demanded with a laugh.

Taking a deep breath, Amy extended her hands to Sheldon and allowed herself to be pulled up onto the structure. The crowd erupted into thunderous applause.

"I take it some sort of movement is in order now?" Amy asked with nervous eyes, she was unsteady on her feet as she clutched Sheldon's hands.

"We bounce!" He chimed as he made a little jump in the air, "See?"

Watching Sheldon's feet to match his rhythm, Amy started to hop with him. "Like this?"

Sheldon nodded, "That's the ticket! Get some air under you!"

Giggling, the pair held hands and jumped together. "Not so high Sheldon, I'm wearing a skirt!"

"I AM KING OF THIS CASTLE!" Sheldon proclaimed. "AND AMY FARRAH FOWLER IS MY QUEEN!"

Amy laughed out loud; this was certainly unexpected turn of events. Perhaps Rachel was right and perseverance had paid off. "What has gotten into to you tonight?" She panted out in astonishment as her long hair flailed around her face. She had never seen her boyfriend so carefree without his bongos between his knees.

"Amy, did you know that the first inflatable structure was designed in 1959 by a mechanical engineer named John Scurlock in Shreveport, Louisiana?" Sheldon huffed as he changed the rhythm, his wispy bangs flapping up and down.

Now when she landed he was in the air and vice versa, as if they were on a see-saw.

With her face flushed and a grin that spread from ear to ear, she responded in kind, "Yes, I did know that! Did you know that his greatest achievement was the invention of the safety air cushion that is used by firefighters to catch people jumping from burning buildings?"

"Yes, I knew that too! How incredible that even under the influence, my intellect cannot be smothered. My genius still burns brighter than sun!" He boasted, "And we are making this moon bounce our bitch!"

The crowd began to chant again, "KISS! KISS! KISS!"

Making a full stop, but still riding the small waves of air as the castle rocked, Sheldon and Amy stared out at the crowd.

"Subjects, do you wish for me to kiss my queen?" Sheldon yelled his question into the night.

Sheldon's inquiry to the horde was met with hoots and hollers. Rachel shouted out, "Plant a juicy one on her King Sherman!"

Turning to his girlfriend, Sheldon let go of her hands and tenderly swept away the strands of hair that clung to her rosy cheeks. Unsteady on her feet without Sheldon hands for support, Amy instinctively rested her palms on his center of chest. She held her breath; his heart was thumping rapidly and there was a subtle heat radiating off of him. A prickling warmth began to crawl up her neck at the sensation of his fingertips grazing the soft skin around her temples and ears.

"You heard our subjects Amy." He said softly, his Texan twang revealing itself as he gingerly rested his hands on her shoulders. Sheldon calmly pulled her smaller frame towards him. Her lungs forced a shuddering inhale as she stared up into his clear blue eyes.

At that moment, Amy had forgotten about the uproar surrounding them as they gently swayed, as if on a cloud. Her wobbly legs were turning into butter as he leaned forward into her personal space; his lips only mere inches from hers.

Sheldon paused, his mouth curling into a wicked smile as his gaze fell to her lips. Amy's eyelids closed of their own accord as he lifted up her chin towards him with a single long finger, "Pucker up buttercup."

That bewildering comment snapped Amy out of her blissful state, this didn't sound like her Sheldon at all. To the crowd's disappointment, but no more than Amy's, she raised one of her hands to halt his kiss.

"What exactly did you mean before when you said _under the influence_?" She asked worriedly, "Sheldon Cooper, did someone slip you a mickey?"

"Oh, I am sure the effects of the blondie will wear off soon enough. In the meantime, the king demands some sugar." He snickered as he leaned down again, but she kept her hand fixed between them.

"Sheldon, there was nothing mind-altering in those blondies. There were perfectly harmless. Why would you even think that?" She inquired, teetering as she eyed him curiously.

Sheldon rolled his eyes, "Look around Amy, everyone was eating those blondies. Rebel tampered with the recipe ... Hey Rebel!" He waved down to Amy's relative, who in turn shrugged at Amy confusedly.

Amy glanced over the crowd, most of the partiers had quickly lost interest in the floor show and began to talk and laugh amongst themselves again. The air was rife with that bitter odor they were first exposed to in the house.

"No, you look around Sheldon. Everyone here has been drinking or smoking God only knows what. You ate one blondie and there was nothing in it besides maple brown sugar, almonds and chocolate chips." She explained.

Amy's hands clenched at the realization that Sheldon's sudden affection was wrapped up in some disillusion that he was pixilated on an imaginary drug. "Someone get me off this damn thing." She groaned. Rachel quickly went to her.

His grin shrinking, Sheldon blinked, "Are you saying that I am sober? But … but … I hugged a grubby engineer and … and my face felt funny … there were clear physical symptoms."

"She's right." Rachel confirmed as she helped Amy off of the bouncy castle, "The blondies were clean. I don't mess with that stuff. I am more of a vodka kind of girl. But stay away from the oatmeal cookies someone else made—one of those could bring down Secretariat."

"What you are experiencing are psychosomatic symptoms Sheldon, nothing more. It was merely the power of suggestion." Amy sighed with frustration, pinching the bridge of her nose under her eyeglasses.

"Dear Lord …" Sheldon's face blanched as his eyes darted around the crowd. There were more than enough people to trample him. "Amy I would like to leave now."

Amy sighed again, this time with disenchantment. For a fleeting moment Sheldon had declared her his queen and almost kissed her. She regretted not letting him do it—how she longed to be kissed by her lanky boyfriend. But deep down Amy knew it would have been meaningless if Sheldon believed something besides his own free will was lowering his inhibitions.

For Amy, Sheldon needed to want it, truly and with no extenuating circumstances attached.

Sheldon grew eerily quiet, Amy took notice how his knees were practically knocking together he was trembling so badly, "I don't feel … I think I may …" Sheldon swiftly covered his mouth and he attempted to run, falling forward onto his stomach.

Pushing himself onto his hands and knees, Sheldon whimpered as the castle rocked underneath him, "Oh God, not this … not again … Amy!"

Thinking quickly, Amy grabbed a nearby bowl of popcorn and dumped the contents on the grass before shoving it under Sheldon's pale face just in time for his first heave.

"Ew! That is gross!" The Harley Quinn look-a-like grimaced, her pierced face contorted in disgust.

Rachel's head snapped back to glare at the stoned party girl, "Shut your pie hole skank! That is love!"

Jaws took this as his queue to place a caring arm around Rachel's shoulders, "You know Rebel …um … Rachel. I would hold a bowl under your face if you ever needed to puke. I'd even hold your hair, if it were longer." He said sweetly.

With the wet sounds of Sheldon's violent hurling as accompaniment, Rachel gave her companion a shy smile, "You would Jasper?"

"I totally would." He replied affectionately. "And if it's okay with you, I'd like to be more than sex buddies. Because … because I heart you, like for realz." He confessed.

Sheldon lurched again.

Placing a tender kiss on his cheek, Rachel nodded. "It's okay with me, but only under the condition that as of tonight you quit the weed. My man is not going to start his new job at Caltech as a pothead. "

"OH GOD NO!" Sheldon wailed before burying his face into the bowl.

* * *

Sitting in the front passenger seat of Amy's car, Sheldon watched his girlfriend bid farewell to her second cousin. As the two woman embraced, he opened the glove compartment in the hopes he would find something to ease the queasiness that still plagued him.

"Thank heavens!" He breathed, finding a small packet of Pepto chewable tablets. Sheldon appreciated how Amy was always prepared for almost any eventuality. She truly was more like him than anyone else he had ever encountered.

Chewing on a tablet, Sheldon spotted something else in the glove compartment; it was a well-worn paperback copy of a book. The pages were yellowing and it barely stayed closed due to the spine having so many creases.

Although a genius, Sheldon was no literature buff, but he knew enough to recognize that this particular book wasn't the romantic drabble Amy would occasionally indulge in. Sheldon had no clue why a fascinating neurobiologist like Amy Farrah Fowler would humor fluff with inane titles like "Passion on the Rails" and "The Princess and the Conqueror".

"The Count of Monte Cristo" He read aloud with a tiny smile, "Well, this is indeed a classic." Skimming through the book, he stopped when he saw a highlighted sentence on a dog-eared page, "Youth is a blossom whose fruit is love; happy is he who plucks it after watching it slowly ripen."

Sheldon sat quietly for a moment as he mulled over the words, wondering why Amy had highlighted this particular line.

_***KNOCK KNOCK***_

Sheldon yelped the sight of Jasper, who seemed a hair more lucid than he had been thirty minutes earlier, "Roll down the window dude!" Jasper grinned.

Reluctantly, Sheldon tapped the button and cracked the window only slightly, "What do you want?" He asked suspiciously.

"I brought you something—it might make you feel better." The younger man answered.

Vehemently wagging his finger, Sheldon frowned, "No, no, no. I will continue to stay above the influence. I am just saying no. Crack is whack … and all the rest of it."

Jasper squinted in confusion and then laughed, "Nah bro, I just brought you some ginger ale. My Mom use to give it to me when I'd puke. You know, for your stomach. I'm sorry that it's warm. "

"Oh. " Sheldon bit his lip before giving Jasper a nod, "Very well." Bringing down the window a couple of more inches, Sheldon took the warm can from him, "Thank you."

"Forget it man. It's the least I could do after what you did for me tonight." Jasper shrugged.

Sheldon pouted with worry, speculating whether or not memory impairment could also be a psychosomatic symptom, "What did I do for you?"

Jasper smiled, "Seeing your woman run to you right before you hurled your guts out—it was beautiful man. It made me realize how much I want that too."

"To vomit?" Sheldon asked with a revolted look.

"Nah man, love. I want to be there for someone who wants to be there for me. You know, through the good times, the bad times and the totally jacked up times. And if having a babe like Rachel means no more smoking, then my bong gets tossed." Symbolically dusting off his hands, he continued, "Seeing how tight you are with your old lady finally made me grow some stones. I told Rachel how I felt and now I am a straight up legit boyfriend, like you." He said proudly.

Sheldon opened his mouth to educate Jasper that love had nothing to do with what had transpired. Amy's reaction was thoughtful as well as logical. However, he was surprisingly unable to contradict the man, opting instead to nod his head again, "Congratulations, but I feel I must warn you. Women can be baffling creatures."

"Totally worth it," Jasper replied with a tilt his head, resembling a wide-eyed puppy, "Well, I gotta bounce bro. See you around."

"Please, don't say _bounce_." Sheldon groaned. "My equilibrium will never be the same."

As Jasper made his way back to Rachel; Sheldon carefully placed the worn book back in the glove compartment. His gaze moved to Amy again as she hurriedly walked towards her car, waving to Jasper as she passed him.

Once inside her vehicle, Amy quickly fastened her seat belt. "Well, that certainly was quite the shindig, wasn't it Harold? Or do you prefer Kumar?" She jibed with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

"Ha. Ha. My sides are positively splitting with laughter." Sheldon said dryly, before adding, "Sarcasm."

Smirking, Amy decided not to tease him any further about the incident; she knew he felt foolish about what had happened, although he would never admit it to anyone, especially himself.

Sheldon looked out the window curiously as Jasper and Rachel, sans her purple hair, went back to their original spot on the broken lawn chair. Only this time, they weren't devouring each other faces like zombies. Rachel sat with her legs crossed on Jasper's lap with her arms wrapped around his neck. He nestled his shaggy head against her chest, his own arms circling her tiny waist.

Turning his eyes away, Sheldon felt his face redden. Watching the young couple cuddle and whisper to each other hadn't agitated him the way their pervious groping had, nevertheless it felt wrong to watch them. This particular moment appeared to be truly private, intimate even.

Sheldon's mind wandered back to Texas. After that awful day at the carnival, Sheldon's father had a surprise his mother. Heck, he surprised them all by finally painting the shutters, a task he had been promising to do for years. But George Cooper didn't just paint them; he painted them Mary Cooper's favorite shade of blue.

Still upset over vomiting at the carnival and unable to sleep, Sheldon went to his parent's bedroom to ask his Mother for some warm milk with cinnamon. On his way he overheard voices coming from the kitchen. Peering quietly around the corner, his eyes lit up at the unusual sight of his parents talking, not shouting. This kind of encounter was as rare as a solar eclipse. They were drinking coffee and actually smiling at each other. Sheldon felt naughty for watching them, he still didn't understand why, but it was one of happiest memories he had from his childhood.

Blinking rapidly, Sheldon felt a sudden and bizarre combination of panic, confusion and joy bloom within him. "Geez Louise!" He gasped out as his heart suddenly revved like the engine in Amy's car. It was an indescribable feeling, an unknown force, both terrifying and wondrous as it overwhelmed him for a moment.

"Sheldon what is it? Do you feel like you need to throw up again?" Amy asked with sincere concern for her boyfriend's well-being.

Trying to breathe slowly, Sheldon waved his hand dismissively, "No, no Amy. I will be fine. It was just a momentary wave of … something. It's passing."

Like the day Sheldon stared at a floor littered with broken dishes and finally saw with fresh eyes that electrons could move in waves, he suspected that this night could also be among the most extraordinary in his existence.

It was extraordinary because his girlfriend was, simply put, extraordinary—as well as intelligent, tenacious and loyal. He respected Amy above all others in his peer group.

"Please inform me if you intend on vomiting again so I can pull over. I don't want the smell lingering in my car." She said while scratching the tip of her nose.

His wistfulness faded as he gave her a stern look, "Just drive woman."

It was at that moment; while staring at her with fresh eyes, that he realized how happy Amy made him.

And that feeling of happiness moved through Sheldon like a wave—of nausea.

_-END-_

* * *

_**Long live the Shamy!** _


End file.
